Stuck in a Rutt.

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hi all.

since more frequently blogging, I've found it as almost an outlet of things people wouldn't usually seen to me. and so i feel like opening up, whether people care about what i have to say, is a different story.. but i just feel stuck at the moment.

so i have just finished my second year at university, and it was all well and good but i am still in the phase of.. 'is this really what i want to do'. i love my course, and i love what i do. but i feel that there will always be self doubt no matter what i try and do, and that then becomes discouraging, and very difficult.

along with that, i am just finding everything difficult, and I've finished the university year, and everything is meant to pan out okay.
i think, coming from a  decent family has done itself good. but student finance is a bitch. and i recently found that the amount I'm getting definitely does not cover the amount i need for rent. though i have a job, and i love it. all i want for my final year at university is to focus all my creativity and all of my free time dedicating myself to it and benefiting my grades. and so working as many hours as what i have been doing, i find is not an option.

and therefore the stress becomes harsher in the summer, working off everything i owe as well as attempting to earn more to sustain myself for the upcoming year is difficult.
I've had my thoughts on dropping out, the different scenarios that could take place, what i can do to help in any damn way possible. and i also have the thoughts of wouldn't it have just been damn easier to go straight to work. after all, my course is mainly creative based, and there is the rare exam.. however would working have benefited me? would i have found out about the information i have now?
or would i have gone somewhere else, and tried something different?
though i dont like doubting myself, it makes me feel guilty. and i get far too upset on the what could have happened rather than the whats happening now.


so to try and get myself out of this rutt i want to set myself targets for 'before i am 21'.
and i wanted to share them with you

  1. move in with my boyfriend
  2. try harder in uni, get the grades i want and do not settle for anything less.
  3. stay motivated, and go to the gym regularly. no slacking
  4. stay away from negative people. i have no time or patience
  5. get more out of life, dont be scared to take risks
  6. get a fucking job that values the shit out of me and tells me I'm doing a damn fucking good job.
  7. keep setting yourself goals. thats the only way you achieve what you want.

thanks for reading my rant, this won't be put over my social medias like normal, and may even be put back to a draft some point soon. but i will always keep it as a memory for myself to keep pushing.

'just remember that bad times, are just times that are bad.'

xo lauren

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